Twilight, Eh?: A Movie Review of "Blood Red Moon"

I’m a lover of really terribly-made movies. So this movie review is written with a great deal of admiration and with only the highest of recommendations.

Seriously, people. I know you all have busy lives with “children” and “jobs” and all those allegedly important things, but take an hour and eleven minutes out of your day to watch Blood Red Moon. If it doesn’t rock your world off its axis I will pay you $500. (Canadian dollars.)

I’m not going to front, kids. I love Twilight. I love everything Twilight related. I love those shirts at Wal-Mart with Taylor Lautner’s face on them. I bought Twilight Valentine’s candy that said “Bite Me.” I have seen each movie more than once. I own them all. Here’s the thing, though. It’s not because I think Edward is dreamy (my ideal man...would be alive) or Jacob is hot (because anyone who has to prove it by taking their shirt off…isn’t). I am obsessed with Twilight because I refuse to not love a franchise that culminates with an undead seventeen-year-old performing a C-section on his wife with his teeth.

Because my Netflix account knows more about my shameful habits than my therapist does, it recently recommended 2010’s Blood Red Moon to me. Or, more correctly, they recommended it for (this is a direct quote) “Members Like You.” I don’t appreciate your judgment, Netflix.

Anyway, the good people at Netflix summed up the movie’s plot thusly: “The beautiful new girl in town falls head over heels in love with a melancholic teen vampire whose heart soon begins to warm to her affections.”

In the words of Tina Fey: I want to go to there. I had barely finished reading the word "teen vampire" before I was practically falling out of my bed to press Play.

The movie takes place in Ontario. Yeah. That’s right. This is Canadian Twilight. How amazing is that? (Answer: pretty freaking amazing). So, Spoiler Alert...if that's necessary. CanadianBella (named Megan…but whatever) is a tortured delinquent who wears the same vest throughout the entire movie and says “oot” instead of “out” (completely delightful). She’s tormented by the head cheerleader, CanadianSlut, and her boyfriend, CanadianJock, who end up (spoiler alert) dying while making out in a car (news you can use: it’s the leading cause of death for sluts and guys who say “bro”). The town thinks that CanadianBella’s new boyfriend CanadianEdward (named Victor…again, I don’t care) is behind it, because he’s a vampire. But it really turns out to be the sheriff, who is also a vampire, but…is a more evil vampire than CanadianEdward (we can tell because his eyes light up when he’s angry, like Christmas lights. Or like me when I’ve had too many wine coolers).

Best plot point? Vampirism is an STD. CanadianEdward got it at Woodstock from a woman who (PLOT TWIST, WHAT!) teaches at CanadianBella’s high school.

Here are my favorite lines of the movie:

“That is amazing. You never get mosquito bites?”

“Jeez! I think I just peed!”

“Tonight…is a blood red moon.” (OH MY GOD. THAT MUST BE WHERE THEY GOT THE TITLE FROM.)

“Why are you feeding on Jenna and not on me?”

“You’re not framing Victor for your murders, you shape-changing jerkwad!”

“I’ll make it look like he did it all...just as I planned.”

“Do you regret being a vampire?” “No! For the most part it’s great.”

If your garage was full of Canadians.

No, seriously though, you could. Because in the filming of this movie I don’t think they used steadicams or sound mixers. You can’t hear dialogue when someone unzips their backpack because it drowns out the actors’ voices. I didn’t think they used boom mics until IMDb informed me that one is visible in an early scene of the movie (Really? How did that make it past editing? Oh. Wait. There was no editing.) Also, at one point – and this is so glorious I can’t even describe it to you – CanadianEdward wears plastic vampire teeth.

Plastic. Vampire. Teeth. Take a moment and soak that in, people.

Twilight fans will be pleased to know that many of the classic elements from the beloved saga by Stephenie Meyer are present in this film. CanadianEdward still watches CanadianBella sleep, only it’s a little creepier because CanadianEdward is less adept at the broody “I want to eat you but mostly I want to cuddle” Robert Pattinson glower.

Also included: a rip-off of Catherine Hardwicke’s famous sexless sex scene (where Edward and Bella lie in the woods and stare at each other…and stare at each other…and stare some more…and then the staring continues). Only this version is a bit less sexy because they start talking about STDs (nothing kills the mood faster, am I right?).

Not really. But there is a climax to the movie, which I will admit I had a hard time understanding, because when the villain was explaining himself his voice was augmented to sound like God in The Ten Commandments, only really poorly. So it was pretty much jibberish to me. Luckily, this isn’t Inception. You don’t really need to be paying attention to know what’s going on.

Basically CanadianEdward gets shot, and there’s a slo-mo of him falling and his eyes rolling back in his head (which…happens when you have a seizure, I think. But I’m not a doctor. Don’t quote me)

CanadianBella rushes to his side and screams “Nooooo!” but does nothing, which made me mad because healthcare is free in Canada and she totally could have gotten him a band-aid or something. Or maybe healthcare costs something for vampires. I don’t know. I’m not Canadian. (Although after seeing this movie I totally wish I was.)

And then, the end. Just when we were so sure CanadianEdward was gone forever (WOE!) he reappears magically. He and CanadianBella hold one another and…pant for a while. And it’s awkward for the viewer because the camera’s shaking and the lighting’s bad and now you just feel like you’re at a low-budget bachelorette party.

No. Take that back. 100 out of 5 stars. People, I cannot recommend this movie enough. It’s $5 on Amazon. That’s a freaking steal. $5 will never give you more entertainment unless Abraham Lincoln jumps off the bill and starts break-dancing to “Funky Town.” Which is unlikely.

And while you’re at it, check out some of director Scott Patrick’s other works. They all have the word “blood” in them. Hey, if it aint broke…